Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Mass-hole Barbies, coming soon to a town near you!

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Massachusetts market: 

 BACKBAY" Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at The 
Prudential Mall. She comes with an 
assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey 
and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face
lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version. 

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan 
and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation.
Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a
Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only
available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable 
bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. 

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. 
Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also 
available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to
afford any of them.

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too 
small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud 
light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's
butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag 
bumper sticker absolutely free.

This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit
and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available 
as well as warehouse conversion condo.

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own 
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out her
 house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a 
see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home. 

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies
and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free. 

 HOLYOKE Barbie" 
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories 
include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always 
out a-'huntin'. 

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply 
adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

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